How to Write a Fan Fiction by Harry Potter and co
by Susan B
Summary: Have you ever wondered how to write the perfect fan fiction? Here it is, laid out for you by Harry and the gang.
1. How to Write a Fan Fiction

A/N: I hope this doesn't offend anyone. Actually, scratch that. I hope it does. It would crack me up. I own none of the HP characters, for they belong to the great, the wonderful JKR. The ideas are from fics, or fic summaries I have read, and from some of my buddies on And I do the impossible (for me, at least). I write a parody where everyone is somewhat in character.

How To Write a Fan Fiction by The Characters of Harry Potter

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Hello there. Welcome to How To Write a Fan Fiction. In this tutorial, the cast of Harry Potter will tell you all the secrets to writing a Harry Potter Fan Fiction, AND they will write an exclusive fan fiction of their own, based on their instructions. First we have HARRY POTTER. Take it away, Scarhead...

When you write a fan fiction, the first thing you have to do is write a creatively annoying author's note at the top of your page. It must include a disclaimer. After all, I, Harry Potter, and the rest of the Hogwarts cast of characters do not belong to you. Now, you may be thinking right now, don't you have to have an actual _idea_ for a story before you start writing? Of COURSE not. When you go to write a fan fiction it must include two basic elements. Ron will tell us about the two basic elements to a fan fiction...

--Thanks Harry. Now, if you're writing one of these things--I can't see why anyone would want to spend extra time writing...I practically killed myself with that Transfiguration essay the other day--like Harry said, there are two things you need. One, you have to be literate. Or at least semi-literate. You don't have to have a REAL grasp on grammar, punctuation, or spelling. In fact, as long as you know many internet acronyms you will probably be fine. It's the same thing, isn't it? ("Sure," says Harry.) The other thing you have to have is internet access in order to post your fic. With this, you already have your basic fan fiction. A plot-less barely readable piece of garbage, but a fan fiction none the less...

--Now Ron, don't be too critical. After all, I'm sure these people worked...er...very hard. Ron has told you the basic elements for a fan fiction, but now I, Hermione Granger, will tell you the first element of a different kind of fan fiction...a Harry Potter fan fiction. Now, the first thing you need is a very absurd pairing that would never be found anywhere in the books, such as "Hagrid/Flitwick" or "Draco/Me" (Ron and Harry clutch their throats and make gagging noises) I know it's disgusting, but it must be done. This is the first element. Your characters must also have certain character quirks. Ron must say "bloody hell" every five minutes. Harry must be very angsty. It is a good idea to have him go into many angry fits, and have him cry a lot. Maybe Cho Chang who, by fan fiction law, must be a whore can help him out. Over the span of a summer, I must have straight hair, and somehow have filled out in the chest area. The story should take place after whatever summer it was during the last book JKR published. In this case, it will be sixth year. The second element is that the story must include somewhere, Professor Severus Snape, and here he is bringing you the elements that Severus Snape must have in a fan fiction.

--You realize that we don't call them plot elements. No. By no means do these idiotic narratives we call fan fiction have to include an actual plot. But, they do have to include me in one of two personality types. One, is the lonely misunderstood man looking for love. There are many possibilities for this very unoriginal idea that truly causes me to cringe. One is that I can have a secret affair with a student who is at least 20 years younger than me. Most likely, this will be Hermione Granger. Excuse me while I gag. Sadly, I do not know the reason for this pairing. Someday, I hope, it will be explained to me. On second thought, maybe I don't want this revealed to me. Other students I would apparently screw include Harry Potter, Draco Malfoy, and Neville Longbottom. Personally, I would rather not think about this, as it almost (almost being the key word) moves me to tears. And not in a good way, mind you. Another very _creative _(sneer) idea is that I hook up with the new DADA teacher, who happens to be very beautiful and (cringe) the key to my troubled past. Excuse me while I gag. Again. The second personality path we can take with me is this one: I am a sick and evil criminal that must be stopped. In this case, I must

1. Betray the Order

2. Kill Someone

3. Rape Some Poor Defensless Girl

4. Have an Affair With Voldemort

The last one, I have never actually seen, but I'm pretty sure it could happen in this creepy, twisted world of fan fiction. Back to you, Potter...

--The third element of a Harry Potter fan fiction, is that you must, at some point in your fic, have a completely out of place transfer student. Most likely this student will be female, very pretty, and American. One of the characters such as Ron, or me is likely to fall in love with this character. Better yet, if she is a female character, and you are a female fan fiction author, why not have that character be _you._ Wouldn't that be great? Now, onto Ron for element number four...

--Element four? The amazing dance party, of course. Every Harry Potter fic must include a very long dance chapter in which the characters can dance and form more absurd pairings. This would also be the perfect time to introduce element five, which will be brought to you by Hermione Granger.

--Thank you, Ron. Element Five would be the songfic section of any Harry Potter fan fiction. For these purposes, a song that everybody knows should be used. It should be a song that is extremely popular at the current time, or that was popular at one point in time. The best place to insert a song is in an angst portion of your fanfiction, but they can also fall under the romance category. This ends the five basic elements to a Harry Potter Fanfiction, but Voldemort will now bring you some other important tips.

--So. You have all of your _extremely important_ elements in there. Now, there are a few things you should add to make your story a real..._winner._

1. James Potter, Lily Potter, or Sirius Black should come back from the dead, or better yet, not have been dead in the first place. (Maybe I could kill them again...)

2. Hagrid should be hardly understandable at all. Throw in the words "o'course", "summat", and "da" a lot.

3. Include a mini-slash with pairings such as Harry/Draco, Snape/Lucius, or Remus/Sirius.

4. Have the whole thing be a musical....or better yet, based on an already existing musical.

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Here is the moment you have all been waiting for...the characters have taken their own advice, and written the first chapter to their very own fic...

harry's 6th year at Hagworts

A/n: Hiya I M writing this fic about my idea that draco/hermine shuld get together. ok? pleese r/r no flames. c'ya later.

1 day Hermine walked off Hagworts train 2 go 2 da school for 6th year. she looked relly hawt. she had tank top and jeans on. draco saw her and he was like "OMG. she is hawt" ron and harry were like "OMG she is hawt."

"bloody hell," said ron. he 8 sandwich.

Harry membered the time thta his godfather serious Black died. He start 2 cry. Cho chang decided 2 make harry feel better. they go snogging. (OMG i luv da word snogging)

Hagrid Cs harry/cho. "o'course summat. No da not be summat snogging." he told harry to go way. he dids. cho goes and snogs micale corner. they all go 2 potions classe.

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In potions classe...

"i am meen" sayd snape. "i don't like harry potter."

"i love you," says draco malfoy. "but hermione is my new gf."

hermione beems at draco.

"btw, dere is a dance tomorow." sayd snape. "I wills take the new DADA profesor. ok?"

"harry, I will ask new student 2 dance, ok?" Ron said

da American gurl nods ron. "ok"

Harry says "i wil l ask cho chang"

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At the dance...

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You are my fire

The one desire

Believe when I say

I want it that way

harry walk up to Cho. Dey go snog again. ooo Fluffy.

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But we are two worlds apart

Can't reach to your heart

When you say

That I want it that way

snape go kiss new dada prfoessor. yay.

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Tell me why

Ain't nothin' but a heartache

Tell me why

Ain't nothin' but a mistake

Tell me why

I never wanna hear you say

I want it that way

hermine and draco...

OMG cliffie! hahahaha read next chappie find out wat happens.

--And that, my friends, is the key to the basic Harry Potter Fan Fiction. I hope this tutorial has been helpful. And now, I'll get back to doing whatever it is that we heroes do.

A/N: Was that hilarious, or not? I thought so. I laughed just about the whole time I wrote that. It was a beautiful testimonial to every piece of crap that has been called a story. It brings tears to my eyes. Actually, I don't mind some of the above plot elements. I'm just using the cliche things we all find on every day.


	2. It's 70's Time

A/N: And now, the sequel you have all been waiting for is here. Dang, I have never gotten so many reviews on (what was going to be) a one-shot before. I am very, very grateful to all who shared with me how much they enjoyed this story, and grateful to the ones who didn't think it was funny, also. I love you guys! I don't think this one is quite up to its predecessor's caliber, but whatever…I present to you…

How to Write a Marauder Era Fan Fiction

By Remus J. Lupin (And a little help from friends)

Hello. I wish I could tell you that the world of Marauder fan fiction was one where you could find better reading than the regular, generic world of Harry Potter. But, alas, there is something very wrong with the world today, and thus, the rules for writing a Marauder Era fan fiction are as follows.

Firstly, it must include, of course, the Marauders--James Potter, Sirius Black, Peter Pettigrew, and I, Remus Lupin--although, there are also a few characters who must, at least, appear in the fan fiction. These characters are, but are not limited to, Lily Evans, Severus Snape, Bellatrix Lestrange and/or Lucius Malfoy. This, my friends, is where many authors get confused. "Professor Lupin," some ask me, "if I include the following characters, does this make my fic a _Marauder Era_ fan fiction?" And, it does not. For there is one thing you are forgetting! Setting, my dear fellows setting! You can not, I repeat, you can not have a Marauder Era fan fiction without mentioning, at least once, that this story is set during the 1970's. You might even incorporate it into your title, such as "That 70's Hogwarts--" A title which, surely, has not been used by fan fiction authors dozens of times.

Now that you have your characters, and your setting, it is time to include various plot elements which make your Marauders story truly…er…unique? I will let Ginny Weasley, a young woman, surprisingly, well versed in the art of fan fiction explain a few of these.

--Thank you, Professor. Yes, the truth is out. I write fan fiction. I have ever since I was young. And I can truly say that I was the first to write a Ginny/Harry fan fiction! Ahem. There is one thing that must be included in a Marauder fan fiction, and this, my friends, is the idea of young love. There are a variety of pairings from which to choose from. Sirius/Remus, Sirius/James, Lily/James, Lily/Remus, Severus/Lily…there are so many pairings to choose from, and it doesn't really matter who you choose! Anyone can be paired up with anyone else. It's amazing!

Also, there must be certain stereotypes involved. More or less, James and Sirius can be the same person. Many times, Sirius is obsessed with his hair. He is also very, very funny. James must also be very, very funny. Remus has to be studious and quiet, and Peter must always be kind of shifty, so that later everyone can say. "Why did I never realize Peter was such a bastard? He was so mysterious and shifty?"

Also, at all times, the Marauders must refer to each other by their nicknames, and don't you forget it.

--Thank you, Ginny. More or less, these are the rules you need to know. Everything else that you have learned in How to Write a Fan Fiction should help you on your way. But, I still must mention one thing…and this is the Time Travel sequence. Because of the discovery of the Time Turner in Prisoner of Azkaban, we are able to set up scenarios in which Harry goes back in time. When Harry goes back in time, he must either a) Meet his father and befriend him or b) Learn something important about his parents _and_ himself. Other scenarios, of course, have been used, but we find that these work the best. Next is Peter Pettigrew, to give us some other helpful hints.

--Er…I've…been asked to…give hints? Here they--erm--are.

1) Include a HUGE mystery/detective scene about Remus being a werewolf.

2) Make Lily and James do a scene from Romeo and Juliet (or some other romantic play.)

3) Be sure to use Queen songs as songfic choices whenever Remus and Sirius are alone together.

4) The Marauders should have endless confrontations with Severus Snape, and any other future Death Eaters.

5) When you run out of ideas, throw in something completely random--no one will care. It's the 70's, remember?

_And now, the obligatory fan fic written by Harry Potter._

a/n: Omg serious is hot.

Harry is all I want 2 go c wat my parents wer lik. cries. He steels time terner from hermine and makes 3 wishes.

I wish 2 go bak too the 70's…

_The 70's…_

Hey Serious, knock nock.

Whos dere?

James.

james who?

james potter

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHhahahahahahhhhhha, good 1 prongs. u are relly smarte and funnie." Sad serious

OMG thot harry. That's my dad.

Wheres moony? said james.

Reading a boring book. They look over and remus is reading a boring book about werewolves.

"I wonder why moony is reading about werewolves?"

"he iz a werewulf." harry whispers.

"R u a werewulf, moony?" seriius said.

"yes."

all of the sudden, severus is SNOGING (OMG I luv the wurd snogging0 lily evans. James gets reel mad and they fight.

Serious and Remus and Peter sit and watch. then peter does black magik and runs awaye.

Serious and remus are alone…omg.

_I can dim the lights and sing you songs full of sad things_

_We can do the tango just for two_

_I can serenade and gently play on your heartstrings_

does this meen we are boyfrends? asked remus.

"yeah I guess so." Serius said.

"we have to go snog then."

"yup."

james punch severus. Lily say omg we hav to snog now.

Dam, my dad is cool. Says harry.

THE END

A/N: No, not as good as the first, but it's all right. After all, there always must be an obligatory bad sequel. I mean, take a look at, say, Ocean's Twelve? Or the Lion King 2? It's necessary.

Seacrest, out.


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